Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.