Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.