Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
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judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex