I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
a lot to unpack here
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle