I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
What even happened today?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
the dark web is just a goth google.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.