You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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dude it’s called proctologist
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Some people were born into their job.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Peter Parker Peter Driver