‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
You Might Also Like
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.