Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Finally, an explanation.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]