Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus