I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade