Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
This could be us… but you playing
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?