if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
jesus christ confetti not now
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.