date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!