Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays