Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
You Might Also Like
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
you will never know the true number of layers
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
How about daylight saves us for once
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair