Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change