A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.