I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
At least he brought enough for everyone
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace