doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
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I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
ibopfufen
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!