Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
This story is comedy gold 😂
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year