Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
prepare for carbonated trouble
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?