Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
channeling her this year
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop