Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?