It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
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my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?