Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted