How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
#Caturday
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.