I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”