Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I’m not wrong
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I hope this email finds you in a well
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers