DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Going to church you guys need anything
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
File under excellent bookstore names.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
he looks great for his age
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.