“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
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What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Raisins are grape jerky.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
So sick of all these stupid rules
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.