The prophecy is fulfilled
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Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.