First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Unexpected Judgment
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.