Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Children of the corn 🌽
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?