Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
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Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Its a hippotatomus
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.