Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Oh my god
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.