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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
he was correct
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days