*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.