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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.