You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george