Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Brilliant!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”