*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes