Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
This is the one
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.