i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”