If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My blood type is coffee.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
#winning
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy