DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
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I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Weighing up my bread heating options
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs