You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
You Might Also Like
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Well, that didn’t work.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Meow
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”