Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.