Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.