There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
classic mixup
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I love twitter
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.