Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.